It’s Alright Not to Feel Okay…

For the most part, I try to stay positive about what I post on this blog. But, as most of you already know, life with a chronic illness is hard and it is definitely not always sunshine and rainbows as one might think – although I do believe that both would make things slightly easier to handle, don’t ya think? Nevertheless, there are just some things that come along with living “the sick life” that truly shake you to the core sometimes. For me, it’s hearing about other patients that have the same (or similar) diagnosis and have passed away as a result. I posted the following on my personal Facebook page a little while ago but felt it was important to share on this page as well. Sometimes you just have to say what’s on your mind because it’s good for the soul. In a way, venting allows me to grieve – not only on behalf of those that have passed but also for myself.


Sometimes I get so tired of hearing about my fellow warriors dying because their pain was not taken seriously or they couldn’t find the help that they needed. It’s becoming way too common lately and just thinking about how others have been treated because of their illness – hell, how I’ve been treated at times – makes me both physically and emotionally sick.

Trust me when I say that majority of people can’t even begin to comprehend the level of pain that those of us with vascular compressions live with each and every day. Or how much has been lost as a result of illness? Although I don’t necessarily agree, I can absolutely understand why many have chosen to take their own life.

Honestly, I’ve been lucky. It took a lot to just simply survive. Being misdiagnosed could have killed me. So could have all the wrong medications, treatments, and surgeries that have been offered to me along the way. I had to educate myself and challenge my care at every single step along the way. I’ve had to stand up to my doctors. I’ve had to fire some doctors. I’ve had to prove myself over and over again – prove that I was, in fact, sick; that I wasn’t imagining the pain – just so that my concerns would be heard and taken seriously. So that someone would help. Basically, I’ve had to fight with every bit of strength left inside of me just to get to where I’m at today – and no, I’m not better yet.

Obviously, this hasn’t been easy and I’m still in pain almost every day. Yet, somehow, I still hear that I’m not actually sick or that I’m not sick “enough”, even though test after test show’s that something’s seriously wrong and has been for a while. Eventually, something has got to give in the way we do medicine, especially when it comes to managing chronic or rare conditions. The gender bias in treating young women needs to stop as well.

No, it’s not anxiety! It’s not depression! And it’s definitely not in my goddamn head! These conditions are real and you would know that if you took a minute to listen.

Mostly, though, I’m angry – angry that this is somehow okay; that this is acceptable. I’m also incredibly sad as well. These tragedies could have been avoided. Most of these deaths are senseless. Something could have been done. The worst part, however, is that nobody cares. I repeat: nobody gives a damn.

Do you think the doctors cared when they heard that their patient had died? I doubt it.

Do you think the friends or family members who left when the person became ill and couldn’t get out anymore really cared? Not enough, obviously.

What about all the other people in their life who judged them, told them to try harder – to do more – to be more- to stop being lazy? Do you think they cared at all, really?

I cared, though… I still care.

Part of this is selfish, though, because I think about how easily that could have been me – and could still be me someday. I hear about the others just like me dying so frequently lately that the idea of death no longer scares me – it’s just par for the course at this point. How sad is that? I tell you, having a chronic illness makes you jaded.

I’m really trying not to be negative, but I’m so incredibly frustrated and disgusted that I just needed to vent. I just hope someone out there is listening.

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Whenever you need or want somebody to listen, I’m here. Just send me a message either here or on the Undiagnosed Warrior Facebook Page – I’d be more than happy to hear your story anytime.

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suicide

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet

Please keep fighting fellow warriors!

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10 thoughts on “It’s Alright Not to Feel Okay…

  1. Kara says:

    I hear you loud and clear. I have my diagnoses, but I’m still often tossed aside unless I’m literally about to die. That’s how this western medicine shit works. I’ve complained about this so often, and that’s about all we can do – vent. Scream into the void. Whatever it takes to keep ourselves going. It certainly is okay to not be okay, and the people who are telling us to keep a positive attitude, or the dreaded ‘it could be worse’, most likely aren’t in the same position, therefore should not have said anything at all. That’s not to say that trying to remain positive isn’t a good thing, but it’s inhuman even for a healthy person to be in a good frame of mind all of the time. Venting is acceptable and encouraged. 😉

    Like

    • The Undiagnosed Warrior says:

      Not sure why but this comment went into my Spam folder and I just saw it lol. But I absolutely agree with you. Sometimes you just need to get frustrations out in a not so pretty way. My therapist says anger is good sometimes and that’s probably what kept me going all these years.

      Liked by 1 person

    • The Undiagnosed Warrior says:

      It’s so true. I think one of the first things we learn after becoming sick/injured is that nobody understands. At first, it honestly hurtful that friends and family don’t seem to care – you take it so personally. Later, you realize there’s no way to know the impact unless you live it every day. I’m still so perplexed, though, that even most of the doctors don’t understand and aren’t willing to learn.

      Liked by 1 person

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